New year, same me

I’ve always loved this time of year. There’s something about the idea of a fresh new start that makes me feel focused, renewed, motivated — ready to set goals and smash them.

But this year I don’t feel invigorated. I just feel kind of lost.

This season of my life has been really, really hard, and I can’t say I’m rising to the challenges. I’m barely holding up under the weight of parenthood, work, money stress, and some really unsustainable schedules. It’s a grind that a zillion people would recognize, or even envy. But lately I find myself questioning if I’m as strong as those people.

I want to shake myself out of it and get back to work becoming the person I want to be. But every time I think about it, my mind goes blank.

What do you do when you don’t know what to do?

In the past, I always knew *exactly* what was holding me back in life. My weight has been a dependable scapegoat, and every January 1, like clockwork, I’d turn toward the bathroom scale with laser focus. The question was never if I needed a diet, but which diet would be the one that would finally make my life whole. If I could just hit my goal weight, finally I could enter the secret portal of happiness available only to skinny people.

That’s one thing that’s so intoxicating about dieting: the clarity of purpose. Ditching the diet life has opened me up to so much joy, spontaneity, and peace that I never knew I was missing. But as unhealthy as it was, I wish I could find something else that would drive me in the way that dieting once did. I really admire people who have endless energy in the pursuit of something they love, whether it’s a career or a hobby or activism or service, and I’ve always hoped that one day I’d find mine.

But I’m still looking. And maybe you are too. Creating a life that feels whole is a lifelong pursuit, and clarity doesn’t follow the date on the calendar.

If you’re feeling adrift, you’re not alone. Let’s sit with this together. I hope your year is filled with patience and grace, and I hope mine is too.

6 Comments Add yours

  1. Great post. Wishing the best & happiest of 2020🙏

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    1. Thank you Island Traveler, and same to you!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Almost Sane says:

    Sounds like you’re having a dickhead of a time. I think part of the process of becoming a parent is all your mind hard-wiring getting forcibly redone. And if you’re a strong intelligent woman who is clear on who they are then that hard wiring process is a horror show. Plus kids are REALLY annoying.

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    1. Whoa…I have never thought of it this way but it rings so true for me. I spent so much of my early adulthood trying to get myself together and figure out who I am and all that jazz, and then BAM: chaos madness sleep-deprived horror show! You always tell the stone-cold truth and make me laugh at the same time — thank you ❤

      Like

  3. Tammy Wiese says:

    Thank you for being so candid. There is a book that helped me immensely called “0ne thousand gifts” Ann Voskamp. Maybe it will lift you in this season too 🥰

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    1. Tammy, I just looked this up and it looks like a beautiful book. Thank you so much for your kind words and for taking the time to share what has helped you through a rough patch! Means the world to me, thank you.

      Like

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